Discernment

Discernment...............does not meant knowing right from wrong, but rather, right from almost right.

Have you ever heard something that sounded right, but it still tickled the back of your brain, making you wonder?  That is the birth of discernment.  What to do with it?

Go straight to the source.....almost right is the same as saying, WRONG!

Don't be led astray by the almost rights of this world.

My two cents for the day.

I Am Haman, Hear Me .... squeek

I'm doing a study on the book of Esther with the wonderful church I've started attending.  I'd read the book of Esther but had never dissected it as required in the bible study.  I think the most famous verse is found in 4:14, in which Mordecai uses the words "for such a time as this."  Sadly, I had reduced the entire book to this one verse.

Doing the study, however, has required an in-depth look, and truth be told, I didn't really like what I saw.  Beth Moore quoted "Surely as Christians we must recognize the spirit of Haman, not only in our world but within ourselves."

Me?  Have the spirit of Haman?

The rage within Haman had to do with a deep-seated rivalry, which also housed personal prejudices.  And this is where the mirror into my heart shined bright.  Beth asks to name a few specific ways we can spot someone's prejudices, and of course I was able to spout off some without really thinking about it:

• by the way a person gives a "look"
• disdain in their voice
• someone who is quick to high-light themselves, especially in comparison to others

It was easy for me to do this, because I know a person who does this continually.  And in naming those qualities, I realized just how I was judging her....putting myself above her because at least I didn't do those things.

WHOOPS!

I felt pretty rotten when this hard nugget of truth inserted itself into my heart.  Childishly, I tried arguing ---  "no, not me" -- then I tried to rationalize it --- "well, I only think like that when I'm thinking of her" -- like a child caught with stolen contraband, I tried to get it away from me, all the while knowing it was a fruitless effort.

When I finally faced my own rottenness, I felt ... dirty, unclean ... The correction of the Lord certainly isn't the most pleasant sensation!

And now...I'm still feeling that recrimination, still arguing with wanting to rationalize, deny, and point the finger away from me.  I know it's going to take an even greater effort than just confessing my sin...repenting is what I need to do.  In being brutally honest with myself, I see a side that I didn't even realize was there!  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

I guess that's the first step, huh?  Lord, help me get past it!

Those Seven Perfect Words

My little guy asked me today what perfect meant, and of course, I couldn't explain it to him.  He didn't understand whatever definition I was trying to give him.  He didn't (doesn't) understand the concept that something can be "just right, nothing wrong" and wanted an example.   Being only 5 years old, he didn't take too well the description of heaven, either....He knows his Father and his "favorite Brother" live there, but outside of that, nothing much was making an impression.  He scampered off after awhile but it set me to thinking.  What is perfect?

Yes, my Savior is perfect, and lived a perfect, sinless life while here on this earth.  We are used to hearing that all the time.  Unfortunately, before becoming a believer I had problems with His description, as I knew I just couldn't relate, and never would be able to relate, to someone so "Perfect."  Jesus was on the highest pedestal I'd ever imagined, and trying to be "like Christ" just seemed irrational!  Thankfully, I had good mentors when I became a follower and now I understand what it means to be "Christ-like."

To be a Christian, I know, means to be Christ-like.  Not, be Christ.  I've seen so much more condemnation and judgement from those claiming to be Christians than I have from the unbelieving world.  And we want the unbelievers to join us?  But, I digress.

So, what does it mean to be perfect?  I don't know, and this side of heaven I will probably never know.  But I do know the purest perfect words ever spoken aloud, and those words were "Not my will, but yours be done."  Wouldn't the meaning of our lives just be so much better if we learned to really pray those seven perfect words?

Many times I find myself praying for "the desires of my heart" and end up reducing my prayer to a simple list of what I perceive as needs.  How many times have I really prayed "not my will, but yours be done" --- and meant it?

Following Him isn't always easy, and at times we are led down paths that we would rather not travel.  But if we've trusted Him for our eternity, then surely He knows better than we do what we need.  Many of today's sermons center around what is pleasing to us, without regard to following Him.  Many Ameri-centric churches today focus on "What can I get" rather than "what can I give."  Is this truly praying 'not my will, but yours be done'?  In no way am I advocating not having "prayer requests" and asking for the desires of our hearts; what set me to thinking was asking for things outside of God's will for our lives, and then basing our happiness on that.

I pray today that I can lace every one of my decisions with following His will for my life, rather than what I want.  I am challenging myself to uttering those seven perfect words, regardless of the road that I am led down,  in every situation I find myself in.  I pray I keep true.

Waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting......

The words are from a song on the movie Fireproof. I didn't realize I'd memorized those words, as it's been a while since I've seen the movie. The song kind of popped in my head, as I was trying desperately again to teach my 11 year-old adopted son to read.

This little guy has had a life no one should have to endure, yet he endured his most trying times before the age of 3. To date, he is the worst ever documented case of abuse discovered in Amarillo that did not result in death. I get tears in my eyes when I think of all he suffered. He was rescued at age 2 1/2, only to be abused in two subsequent foster homes. By the time he moved into our home at just before six years old, there was irrepairable damage done to his brain...or so we were told. His paperwork said he'd never mature passed the age of five, his communication skills probably age 3. He would be profoundly retarded for the rest of his life.

Before I go further, in no way am I trying to make our family look like heroes for taking him -- there are many issues involved in all the reasons for the adoption, but in the end, it just seemed like the right thing to do. The last few years have been trying, but each day we've been able to handle it...God has given us the strength to make it thru each day.....stamina for the day, nothing to roll over, nothing to save, but strength for the day is all we need.

I also want to say that this child is probably the happiest child you will ever meet. He never greets you with less than a smile, his laugh is infectious, and even in his times of struggle he will smile ever-so sadly and just plod on. So....today as we were going over phonics, he looks at me and ever so sweetly tells me, "Mom, learning to read is worth the wait." Are those the words of a five year-old? Can a 3 year-old really communicate so well?

How often do I really say something is worth the wait? How many times do I really mean it? How many things really are worth the wait?

Looking at him struggling to put words together, memorizing sight words, and "play" reading makes me realize just how profound his words were. He of all people, an 11 year-old MR child who was written off before he even turned 6, knows better than most people the sweet reward of diligence. He is anticipating, with joy might I add, just how wonderful it will be for him to read on his own.

May I finally learn to worship the Lord like my son views life. To face each day with joyful anticipation of what is to come...to worship while I'm waiting, whatever I may be waiting for...but to worship none-the-less.

Thank you my lovely son, for the gentle-tug you had on my heart today. Thank you Lord, for speaking thru him.

Happy Birthday Hubby!

Two weeks ago my hubby and I celebrated 20 years of marriage...we went to Logans with all of the kids, had the loudest table in the joint, and my little ones, who had never been there, were ecstatic that they could eat peanuts before dinner and throw the shells on the floor! We had such a great time and I wouldn't have traded that time for a romantic evening for anything in the world!

Today, we get a repeat...my hubby's birthday celebration will be the reason this time! I can't believe the time has just flown by!

So I'll keep this short as I need to start getting the kiddo's ready....and it's off to the noisiest table in town!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE!

Colossions 3:16

This morning my pc wouldn't turn on....it wouldn't boot. Can you imagine?? I did everything I could, called the manufacturer, called the place I bought it, and just about had a nervous breakdown. I proceeded to panic, knowing that a crash means I've lost everything. What about my kids' pictures, their birthday parties, their silly moments...what about my son's pictures from Peru? My documents, my saved emails, my devotions? In the midst of it, I nearly cried!

When I slowed down long enough to take a breath, I realized just how distressed I was. I asked the Lord for clarification, then conviction, and that's when it happened. HE ANSWERED ME! I could hear Him! And, as it sometimes goes, I didn't really like what I was hearing (at the time).

He made me realize just how much of an idol I had made my PC, without even knowing it. Worse, He asked me where my gratitude was, since my mood was just souring by the moment. What about everything He's given me....all of the blessings that have been poured into our family?

Opening my bible, my eyes fell on Colossians 3:16, which says,

• "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God."

Where was my gratitude?

Shame. After I stubbornly let go of the mood, shame settled in. But, Praise God, He comforted me. He brought to mind Romans 8:1, and there is no condemnation on me because I was being an ingrate! He also took away the shame. Best of all, He brought to mind all of the other things I can be grateful for, and the list went on and on! So, even though we had to take our pc to the pc doctor, I have been in probably the best mood that I have been in such a long time!

How wonderful our Lord is, when we give Him the chance. Someday I'll learn!

By the way...I'm on my son's pc...how's that for being an ingrate?!!

Broken

Have you ever been broken?

During this time, when I should be rejoicing for my son and the excitement of his first missionary trip, there's been a series of downfalls that would be discouraging even in the best of times.

He's been gone now for one week (tomorrow), and the first 4 days I literally thought I would go insane. Never did I think I would miss him as much as I did (do). On top of that, we went through a series of "attacks" that left me breathless:

• my husband got hurt at work
• a close friend turned away
• a very expensive repair was needed on my van
• my younger son had to be rushed to emergency

As a new thing happened daily, I was left with the sensation of "just one more thing added to the plate" -- and, already weighed down by missing my son, I almost crumbled under the pressure.

But as I contemplated these things, I realized that although I felt these as very real attacks, these were opportunities to lean on the Lord...and being the stubborn person I am...I realized that I should have been doing so all along.

The brokenness left me as a wheel with an obvious tear. I'm now going along with an obvious limp, but slowing down has caused me to reflect more. I'm reading my bible more, praying more fervently, and seeing the Lord clearer. Would I have been doing these things had I not felt this intense pressure? I don't think so. We serve a Good God, One who wants and does bless us mightily. He did not cause these things to happen, as they are just be part of life, but I believe He uses circumstances for our good.

So rather than focusing on the bad things that were happening, I made a conscious effort to focus on the blessings God has bestowed. This was difficult, but at my lowest point, between missing my son and having all these other issues arise, the Lord lifted me up, and my son called from the training center. I can always count on Him.

Although it can hurt, as growth often will, being broken serves a greater purpose. Because I'm leaning on the Lord, in my brokenness, I've now been made whole.

Jude 1-2

I first submitted my life to Christ at age 17. Granted, I had no idea what it was all about...I made sure I was seen with my Bible, I tried memorizing scripture for memorizations' sake, and I continued living like a heathen. Definitely immature. At the height of immaturity, I firmly believed that if I had a question or a problem, I could simply open the bible and the first verse I laid my eyes on...that was my answer!! Oh, what a shame in reducing our Mighty God to a genie in a bottle. Thankfully, I grew up...took me a while...but I'm a work in progress.

Well, as only our Mighty God can do....yesterday we had some time to kill before my son had to go to the boarding gate, so he took the opportunity to take each of his brother's and sister's aside to have a little pep talk. He spent the longest time with his bio-brother, encouraging him to be the "oldest" and to take up the slack around the house. Seeing them sitting outside in the atrium together, laughing and joking, really touched my heart. Anyway, I was holding my son's bible, he has an NIV/Message parallel bible, and as I was trying my darndest not to cry, I opened his bible and the verses my eyes fell on were Jude 1-2 of the Message, which read:

1. I, Jude, am a slave to Jesus Christ and brother to James, writing to those loved by God the Father, called and kept safe by Jesus Christ. 2. Relax, everything's going to be all right; rest, everything's coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!

Oh, what a mighty God we serve! That He would allow my eyes to fall on these two verses, at the exact moment that I was breaking down...I now have the verses posted on my pc, and when I start to feel that "anxiety" creep up, I will re-read the verses until they are memorized.

God was able to turn a childish notion of mine, over 20 years later, to comfort me when I needed it most. Best of all, when I opened the my son's bible, I wasn't even looking to read anything, I just needed to look away from my boys sitting outside....it was too poignant for me to intrude on their conversation by even just looking at them!

Thank you God, for being faithful even when I am not!

The Difference

He's Off!!

My son left today to Peru...actually, he will be in Dallas until 6/25; that day they will fly to Miami, then on to Peru. His schedule is pretty booked until he returns on 7/22. He will spend 2 days in Dallas winding down, then fly home on 7/24.

I was thinking today about the differences between my son and I at the same age. At 19, I was a wild-child (nothing to brag about) who fled to the military...I marched into the Army during an inevitable war-time (Thank God I didn't have to go)....I flew from my hometown to Lubbock, TX, to Atlanta, then to Columbia, South Carolina. To this day I don't know how I made it, since I'm from a one-horse town and had never been inside an airport, let alone an airplane.

My son, at 19, is marching into a different war, one that is a lot more subtle, but its leader, our enemy, is so much more crafty. My son has flown before, but only as a small child...because of 9/11, we could not go with him to the boarding gate. It was difficult waving good-bye from the escalator, and I could hardly see through my tears.

The difference between us in our respective ages is enormous. I went with "war-time" heels; he is going in peace and hope. I went as I was running away; he is going because he is running "to"...the call of his God. I went with a rebellious heart that was full of hopelessness; he is going with a full heart that is overflowing with the knowledge of his Savior's love.

I don't blame anyone for my past; my parents were very dedicated and did what they could with me...I listened to the world-system. Thank God, He didn't let me go even though I made a commitment to Him at the age of 17 but did not honor until I was 37.

So, my lovely son...I will see you in 33 days....counting down day by day until you return full of stories and a love for the Peruvian people....Until then!

Peru Missionary Trip

My oldest son will be leaving in a little under 2 weeks for Peru on his first missionary trip. Although I know it's his destiny, and although I trust God, I am still nervous about him going. Not so much because it's a missionary trip, but because for the first time in 7 years, he will not be here with me every day.

Yes, selfish, I know. He's been homeschooled since he was in the 6th grade, so I am more than used to him being home. So, like I said, it's selfish on my part.

He's prayed for direction in his life for several years and for a long time his goal was to join Master's Commission, but when he dissected his reasons for wanting to be in MC (MCAustin, to be exact), he realized his heart was drawn to the mission trips.

So, after reading I Would Die For You by Brent & Deanna Higgins last September, he decided to go straight into missionary work. I recommend that book to everyone to read. It is excellent!

He will be going to Peru with the organization Awe Star Ministries. And...the country coordinators this year will be Brent & Deanna Higgins! That is such a God-Thing!!!! My son is super-excited about that alone!!

I've posted a link to the organization he'll be going with, and also to Brent Higgins' blog. Muddle through the sites...you're sure to be inspired!!!

http://www.awestar.org/
http://www.prayforbj.com/

Daily Christian Dying

I'm plagiarizing today...I copied this off of my son's myspace blog...thought it would be a good post.

"Daily Christian living is daily Christian dying...what does it mean to give it all for God?

Die daily, to things that snare us, things that are not in line with Him, thoughts, words & actions; be aware daily that without Him, we are but a mere speck, a gnat on an elephant in a galaxy of Africa's.

To die is gain, to get past me, to know we were made to glorify Him. It's not enough to live it only on Sunday or Wednesday, we must live it DAILY.

To rescue the perishing, knowing that without Him, I am at the top of the list.

Do you want to live? Then today, choose to die.†"

Pretty strong words, huh?

Here I Am

"Here I am Lord, have your way in me, use me for You, let all people see, that You are the Son, the Son of God."

I've worshipped to that song so many times that I can recite it without trying. Today, however, I realized, as I was hurrying the kids up, irritated that one of them had wet the bed, again, that I haven't really been living it. I've griped about the weather, been tempermental, gossipped...to name a few. I certainly have not "let my light shine so the world can see, let my light bring glory to Your name."

But in the mist of my self-condemnation, I call to mind (or does He?), that, "now there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1 is my mantra, when the enemy continues to stab me with guilt--that he would I, too--I recall the precious words Paul was inspired to pen.

Growth always comes with some discomfort; am I willing to grow despite pain? I pray it is so. I also need to daily surrender my life, rather than try to follow my own will and then try and squeeze God into that will.

So, Here I am Lord, have Your way in me. Gut my heart, clear the cobwebs, re-shelve the west wing. Without total remodeling, I can never hope to be what I sing so loudly in service.

Happy Birthday!!

(always had to nap hugging his pups! 7 years old)

Well, son, you are one year closer to being a "man." But...didn't you already decide that you were going to put away childish things? I remember clearly our conversation about there not being any "teenagers" in the Bible. I pray you keep true.

It's been tough watching you grow up, trying to cherish each and every moment, one minute wanting you to grow up and the next wishing you were still a little guy crawling in my lap. I will ask for your forgiveness now, as I am sure to get even more clingy with you now as your big brother prepares to head off to Austin in less than one year.

I pray that you continue to look forward to 180. I pray you grow strong enough to lead your own destiny. I pray that the God you seek so often will start reflecting in your daily decisions, in your relationships, and in your everyday walk.

I cannot thank Dad enough for finally bringing you home. And even though there are many times that I know you hate being homeschooled, I can also see that it's now an internal struggle, and that your good days are outnumbering your bad. I cannot thank God enough for speaking His wishes so clearly to have you home.

Most of all, I love you deeply, son. I know that God has given you to me, and that you are His and are simply on loan to me. I pray that I make the decisions He would have me make, and that it brings you joy in the process.

Happy birthday, my love!

(the b-day boy...not much has changed in 8 years!)

OBAMA WINS!

Got your attention?

Now I'm not going to use this as a platform to spew politics, that's one area I don't usually touch unless face to face. But...what does a win for Obama mean?

First, let me say that the way the campaigning has gone for several months, you'd think the decision made on November 4, 2008 would herald in a utopic state, regardless of who was chosen to run this country. Will it?

The gloom & doomers would predict one thing, the hopefuls another. What's changed?

Okay, far be it for me to say that last night's victory for Obama was not significant...it is. I am going to go out on a ledge now, but he erased the excuses. No more minority "boo-hoo," no more majority "ha-ha." No longer can we as minorities state that we don't have a fair advantage, no more can we say poor me. The bar has been raised for some, and for others, higher still.

But does November 5, 2008 and on have the sun still coming up in the east and setting in the west? Yes. Am I still a homeschooling mama? Yes. Does my Lord and King still reign? Certainly. I can't help but wonder if the 1st Tuesday of November, every four years, has people thinking that God steps off the throne. The way some of the people were carrying on for the last few months certainly did make me pause!

I am an American, first and foremost. I claim my roots to Spain & Mexican-Indian. My biological children can claim Spanish, Mexican-Indian & Italian to their roots, plus they were born in Germany, which means they can also claim German citizenship. My adopted children are anglo, anglo mix, African-American mix, and Mexican descent. They are all, also, American's.

After American, we are Monarchists. We honor only One King, One Ruler, One God. He is a respector of no persons, but deserves all of our respect. We allow Him to rule our lives, not always without a struggle, as the enemy wanders around, seeking whom he may devour.

We struggle, we fall, but with His Grace, we can get back up again. As we head in a four-year "new era," let's not forget that God is still God, He is still on the throne, and He remains as always unchanged. Trust, and He will lead....regardless of who is the White House!

To Trick? To Treat?

This seems to be a hot topic among Christians today...and everyone has an opinion, so, why not me?

We used to celebrate Halloween the way everyone did...going all out on the decorations, spending an idiot amount of money on costumes, candy, pumpkin carving...you name it. I have some great pictures of the kids when they were younger. Both of my oldest kids are gifted artists and the pumpkins they carved were truly amazing.

I myself grew up going door to door begging for candy on this night. I remember our neighbors would make popcorn balls from scratch. We had other neighbors give us home-made candy apples and fresh cookies. My parents themselves sat on the porch handing out candy, and woe to the child who did not say thank you as they walked off. (and by the way, I'm not yet 40 so I'm not rhapsodizing Little House on the Prairie times.)

So, the debate of whether Christians should celebrate or not, is not my top concern. We all have to answer for our own actions. What saddens me is that my kids have never known a time when they could walk down the street and not worry about getting accosted, have never had a care-free spirit of eating homemade popcorn balls and candy apples (unless I made them...and after eating my treats, they don't usually ask for more--okay, so I can't cook well!) We didn't know about child-molesters, tainted candy and other such misery. Our children are growing up with it.

So, what do we do? First, let me say that there is a neighbor who locks her gate and has a sign posted "sorry, children, we are Christians and we don't celebrate evil. Please don't ring the bell." Has this person opened herself up to witnessing? Before knowing the Lord, I made sure I steered clear of that "nut-case." I couldn't believe these people were so judgemental. Now, as a Christian...I still steer clear of that person, and I still can't believe they are so judgemental (am I judging?). We are called to be witnesses to Christ, of knowing Him and making Him known. Does hiding behind locked doors to "stay away from evil" provide an opportunity for doing as I have been commissioned? I don't believe so.

I am still a sinner, I still depend on the blood of Christ to cleanse me, I still talk to everyone who will respond. So, again, what do we do? My children still dress up, albeit not in scary costumes, they hit a few blocks of begging, and then come home and wait for us to inspect the candy. My oldest sits on the porch and hands out candy with bible verses attached...the little we do on this night may not be much, but we try to do what we can. After the inspection, we turn off the lights, I pop popcorn, mix it with candy, eat caramel apples I made (sometimes) and we watch movies. This is our little routine.

I've done the research and know more about the history of Halloween than most people, but I've also prayed about this, and my children have prayed about it. Tonight, as we prepare to hit a few blocks and beg for candy, I will keep in mind my Lord, long for the old days, then come home and pig out with my kids...what can be better than that?!

I am the wretch

I have a shirt that I bought at CBD.com that states "I am the wretch the song refers to." It's crazy how many times I've had people ask me "what does that mean?" and worse, "No you're not!". Truly, the 2nd one is worse.

First, what does it mean? (besides the obvious). I am a sinner, saved by grace. But, I won't let Satan deceive me by not letting me take it further....I am also 100% worthy, wholly eligible, absolutely a co-heir with Christ...not because of anything I've done, but because of what He's done for me.

I'm forgiven...need I say more? My son has a favorite saying..."daily Christian dying." I didn't understand it at first, but, like the guy he is, he reminded me that I must die to self, to everything that does not coincide with the Word. So now, I'm trying to live it...that is, to die it.

But when I hear "no, you're not," I cringe...simply because I know the truth. I know my past, and I am grateful my God is a forgiving God. Because of what Christ did for me on the cross, I also have eternal life...I have a place set aside for me when we join Him at the heavenly feast.

Christ died for me, the least I can do is live for Him.

My Joy

My oldest son is getting ready to graduate. Only a few more months and he's off into the world. Kind of scary, since he's been homeschooled most of his life. I'm scared, some for him, mostly for me. Is it selfish to be afraid of not having him next to me? For 18 years, what a joy he's been!
I have a very special bond with him. He's my helper and the one I lean on when the homeschool day gets tough. He instinctively knows when I'm hanging on by a thread and am only willing myself to continue the day. Thankfully for him, that doesn't happen often. Oh, what a joy he is!

He's unsure what he wants to do. He's a very gifted artist, but is unsure if he wants to do this for a living. He has a passion for Christ that shames me when I think of myself at his age. He wants to be a fireman, an architect, an artist for God, spend three years with Master's Commission, can't wait to fall in love, prays to marry a godly woman...what a joy he is!

Others don't always understand him. A difficult birthing left him with the inability to think abstractly. He tries harder than anyone I have ever met, and I am not being biased. What comes easy and natural for most comes at a sweat for him. And still, what a joy he is!

As a big brother, he looks out for the younger ones, yet can tease them endlessly. One minute he's poking fun, the next he's saying sorry. Although he only has one biological brother, he's accepted his adopted siblings with ease, even though at times he feels like he's been pushed aside. And yet, he has remained a joy.

With unfathomable love, in a day of myspace, texting and hooking up, this young man has tried hard to stay true to His God. He's given into temptation, repented, and fallen again, but always manages to get right back up. Yes, what a joy he will always be!

Title

I'm new to blogging, wanted to first explain the title.

God loves me, in spite of all I do...

I am a mom to 8, several biological, several adopted. I cook, I clean, I help my husband raise our children...

I also am very human...I call myself a Christian, but I need to learn to BE one, not just act like on.

So, the title...In Spite of Me...He's here.

I hope to get a handle on blogging...sometime I just need an outlet, and for the few minutes a day that I have to call my own, I like to write...with or without viewers, my thoughts will be recorded!