I Am Haman, Hear Me .... squeek

I'm doing a study on the book of Esther with the wonderful church I've started attending.  I'd read the book of Esther but had never dissected it as required in the bible study.  I think the most famous verse is found in 4:14, in which Mordecai uses the words "for such a time as this."  Sadly, I had reduced the entire book to this one verse.

Doing the study, however, has required an in-depth look, and truth be told, I didn't really like what I saw.  Beth Moore quoted "Surely as Christians we must recognize the spirit of Haman, not only in our world but within ourselves."

Me?  Have the spirit of Haman?

The rage within Haman had to do with a deep-seated rivalry, which also housed personal prejudices.  And this is where the mirror into my heart shined bright.  Beth asks to name a few specific ways we can spot someone's prejudices, and of course I was able to spout off some without really thinking about it:

• by the way a person gives a "look"
• disdain in their voice
• someone who is quick to high-light themselves, especially in comparison to others

It was easy for me to do this, because I know a person who does this continually.  And in naming those qualities, I realized just how I was judging her....putting myself above her because at least I didn't do those things.

WHOOPS!

I felt pretty rotten when this hard nugget of truth inserted itself into my heart.  Childishly, I tried arguing ---  "no, not me" -- then I tried to rationalize it --- "well, I only think like that when I'm thinking of her" -- like a child caught with stolen contraband, I tried to get it away from me, all the while knowing it was a fruitless effort.

When I finally faced my own rottenness, I felt ... dirty, unclean ... The correction of the Lord certainly isn't the most pleasant sensation!

And now...I'm still feeling that recrimination, still arguing with wanting to rationalize, deny, and point the finger away from me.  I know it's going to take an even greater effort than just confessing my sin...repenting is what I need to do.  In being brutally honest with myself, I see a side that I didn't even realize was there!  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

I guess that's the first step, huh?  Lord, help me get past it!

Those Seven Perfect Words

My little guy asked me today what perfect meant, and of course, I couldn't explain it to him.  He didn't understand whatever definition I was trying to give him.  He didn't (doesn't) understand the concept that something can be "just right, nothing wrong" and wanted an example.   Being only 5 years old, he didn't take too well the description of heaven, either....He knows his Father and his "favorite Brother" live there, but outside of that, nothing much was making an impression.  He scampered off after awhile but it set me to thinking.  What is perfect?

Yes, my Savior is perfect, and lived a perfect, sinless life while here on this earth.  We are used to hearing that all the time.  Unfortunately, before becoming a believer I had problems with His description, as I knew I just couldn't relate, and never would be able to relate, to someone so "Perfect."  Jesus was on the highest pedestal I'd ever imagined, and trying to be "like Christ" just seemed irrational!  Thankfully, I had good mentors when I became a follower and now I understand what it means to be "Christ-like."

To be a Christian, I know, means to be Christ-like.  Not, be Christ.  I've seen so much more condemnation and judgement from those claiming to be Christians than I have from the unbelieving world.  And we want the unbelievers to join us?  But, I digress.

So, what does it mean to be perfect?  I don't know, and this side of heaven I will probably never know.  But I do know the purest perfect words ever spoken aloud, and those words were "Not my will, but yours be done."  Wouldn't the meaning of our lives just be so much better if we learned to really pray those seven perfect words?

Many times I find myself praying for "the desires of my heart" and end up reducing my prayer to a simple list of what I perceive as needs.  How many times have I really prayed "not my will, but yours be done" --- and meant it?

Following Him isn't always easy, and at times we are led down paths that we would rather not travel.  But if we've trusted Him for our eternity, then surely He knows better than we do what we need.  Many of today's sermons center around what is pleasing to us, without regard to following Him.  Many Ameri-centric churches today focus on "What can I get" rather than "what can I give."  Is this truly praying 'not my will, but yours be done'?  In no way am I advocating not having "prayer requests" and asking for the desires of our hearts; what set me to thinking was asking for things outside of God's will for our lives, and then basing our happiness on that.

I pray today that I can lace every one of my decisions with following His will for my life, rather than what I want.  I am challenging myself to uttering those seven perfect words, regardless of the road that I am led down,  in every situation I find myself in.  I pray I keep true.

Waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting......

The words are from a song on the movie Fireproof. I didn't realize I'd memorized those words, as it's been a while since I've seen the movie. The song kind of popped in my head, as I was trying desperately again to teach my 11 year-old adopted son to read.

This little guy has had a life no one should have to endure, yet he endured his most trying times before the age of 3. To date, he is the worst ever documented case of abuse discovered in Amarillo that did not result in death. I get tears in my eyes when I think of all he suffered. He was rescued at age 2 1/2, only to be abused in two subsequent foster homes. By the time he moved into our home at just before six years old, there was irrepairable damage done to his brain...or so we were told. His paperwork said he'd never mature passed the age of five, his communication skills probably age 3. He would be profoundly retarded for the rest of his life.

Before I go further, in no way am I trying to make our family look like heroes for taking him -- there are many issues involved in all the reasons for the adoption, but in the end, it just seemed like the right thing to do. The last few years have been trying, but each day we've been able to handle it...God has given us the strength to make it thru each day.....stamina for the day, nothing to roll over, nothing to save, but strength for the day is all we need.

I also want to say that this child is probably the happiest child you will ever meet. He never greets you with less than a smile, his laugh is infectious, and even in his times of struggle he will smile ever-so sadly and just plod on. So....today as we were going over phonics, he looks at me and ever so sweetly tells me, "Mom, learning to read is worth the wait." Are those the words of a five year-old? Can a 3 year-old really communicate so well?

How often do I really say something is worth the wait? How many times do I really mean it? How many things really are worth the wait?

Looking at him struggling to put words together, memorizing sight words, and "play" reading makes me realize just how profound his words were. He of all people, an 11 year-old MR child who was written off before he even turned 6, knows better than most people the sweet reward of diligence. He is anticipating, with joy might I add, just how wonderful it will be for him to read on his own.

May I finally learn to worship the Lord like my son views life. To face each day with joyful anticipation of what is to come...to worship while I'm waiting, whatever I may be waiting for...but to worship none-the-less.

Thank you my lovely son, for the gentle-tug you had on my heart today. Thank you Lord, for speaking thru him.

Happy Birthday Hubby!

Two weeks ago my hubby and I celebrated 20 years of marriage...we went to Logans with all of the kids, had the loudest table in the joint, and my little ones, who had never been there, were ecstatic that they could eat peanuts before dinner and throw the shells on the floor! We had such a great time and I wouldn't have traded that time for a romantic evening for anything in the world!

Today, we get a repeat...my hubby's birthday celebration will be the reason this time! I can't believe the time has just flown by!

So I'll keep this short as I need to start getting the kiddo's ready....and it's off to the noisiest table in town!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE!

Colossions 3:16

This morning my pc wouldn't turn on....it wouldn't boot. Can you imagine?? I did everything I could, called the manufacturer, called the place I bought it, and just about had a nervous breakdown. I proceeded to panic, knowing that a crash means I've lost everything. What about my kids' pictures, their birthday parties, their silly moments...what about my son's pictures from Peru? My documents, my saved emails, my devotions? In the midst of it, I nearly cried!

When I slowed down long enough to take a breath, I realized just how distressed I was. I asked the Lord for clarification, then conviction, and that's when it happened. HE ANSWERED ME! I could hear Him! And, as it sometimes goes, I didn't really like what I was hearing (at the time).

He made me realize just how much of an idol I had made my PC, without even knowing it. Worse, He asked me where my gratitude was, since my mood was just souring by the moment. What about everything He's given me....all of the blessings that have been poured into our family?

Opening my bible, my eyes fell on Colossians 3:16, which says,

• "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God."

Where was my gratitude?

Shame. After I stubbornly let go of the mood, shame settled in. But, Praise God, He comforted me. He brought to mind Romans 8:1, and there is no condemnation on me because I was being an ingrate! He also took away the shame. Best of all, He brought to mind all of the other things I can be grateful for, and the list went on and on! So, even though we had to take our pc to the pc doctor, I have been in probably the best mood that I have been in such a long time!

How wonderful our Lord is, when we give Him the chance. Someday I'll learn!

By the way...I'm on my son's pc...how's that for being an ingrate?!!