I Am Haman, Hear Me .... squeek

I'm doing a study on the book of Esther with the wonderful church I've started attending.  I'd read the book of Esther but had never dissected it as required in the bible study.  I think the most famous verse is found in 4:14, in which Mordecai uses the words "for such a time as this."  Sadly, I had reduced the entire book to this one verse.

Doing the study, however, has required an in-depth look, and truth be told, I didn't really like what I saw.  Beth Moore quoted "Surely as Christians we must recognize the spirit of Haman, not only in our world but within ourselves."

Me?  Have the spirit of Haman?

The rage within Haman had to do with a deep-seated rivalry, which also housed personal prejudices.  And this is where the mirror into my heart shined bright.  Beth asks to name a few specific ways we can spot someone's prejudices, and of course I was able to spout off some without really thinking about it:

• by the way a person gives a "look"
• disdain in their voice
• someone who is quick to high-light themselves, especially in comparison to others

It was easy for me to do this, because I know a person who does this continually.  And in naming those qualities, I realized just how I was judging her....putting myself above her because at least I didn't do those things.

WHOOPS!

I felt pretty rotten when this hard nugget of truth inserted itself into my heart.  Childishly, I tried arguing ---  "no, not me" -- then I tried to rationalize it --- "well, I only think like that when I'm thinking of her" -- like a child caught with stolen contraband, I tried to get it away from me, all the while knowing it was a fruitless effort.

When I finally faced my own rottenness, I felt ... dirty, unclean ... The correction of the Lord certainly isn't the most pleasant sensation!

And now...I'm still feeling that recrimination, still arguing with wanting to rationalize, deny, and point the finger away from me.  I know it's going to take an even greater effort than just confessing my sin...repenting is what I need to do.  In being brutally honest with myself, I see a side that I didn't even realize was there!  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!

I guess that's the first step, huh?  Lord, help me get past it!